Happy Mother's Day!

When I was young, really young, I recalled my mother putting me into the old traditional swing and trying to bounce me to sleep. By the way, being really young, like maybe 2-3 years old (could be less), the vision was a blurry one lah of course. Nevertheless, it was most probably the very first memory of my childhood that I suprisingly remembered till today. Of course there were other childhood memories like my Genting Highlands trip with family of which I made my parents ran back and forth from the theme park to our hotel room just because I kept giving false alarm that I wanted to poo. My mum continues to remind me until today and laughed it off everytime, saying, "You know, when we reached the hotel room, you just said - mummy poo gone liao". And another memory of our Singapore Trip where I "ter-Peed" on the bed. Please forgive me lah, I was very young that time.

BUT, what has my childhood memory gotta do with my new life now? It has everything to do with my new journey. As I look at my child now sleeping inside her cot every so soundly (I can only write when she sleeps you see), I wonder if she would remember me as I do of my mother, the way I have sung to her, cradled her, kissed her and coaxed her to sleep. The way I walked so many laps in the confined of my tiny bedroom just so she would sleep when she was merely weeks old. And the way I sang the lullaby with my eyes half shut due to sleep deprivation. Whether she remembered that my singing was bad, or that my steps were wobbly (I seemed to have lost my sense of balance quite a bit post delivery). Either way, I hope she remembers that I love her so much.

I used to be a very naughty girl and with a hot temper. I would rebel when things didn't suit my way or when my parents asked me to do things that I didn't like to do. To give you an example, I like to do things on my own and when I was younger, I had always shut myself in the bedroom and had it my own way. I like to draw and colour and at times, I got too caught up with my things that I would forget to bath, eat and so on. If during such moments, my mum or papa called for me, I would start so show my grumpy and unkindly face. And there were times when we didn't like to always go to my late grandma's place that I would had my silent rebel.

As I grew older, it begins to dawn on me the important value of family. How the daily visits to late grandma's place had unconsciously forged a strong foundation on family ties deep inside our hearts. How when my grandmas (both paternal and maternal) passed, that I realised how the mundane routine had brought siblings and cousins together. This, was before I become a mother.

Then I become a mother. I finally understood why my late grandma had always called my papa to ask what time would we be at her place. Why mummy would call me every other day just to ask the same questions again and again. How are you? How is baby? Have you had your meal? What are you doing?. You see, I am away from home for a very long time and my hometown is a flight away. Thanks to technology and growing market demand, flying back and forth has never been easier. Even so, due to work commitments (the usual excuse), we are unable to fly back that very often. When you become a mother, you will always be the mother of the child. No matter how much your kids have grown. I could relate now that one day, I will most probably do what my mummy is doing now.

We have always seeked out our mummies when we are in need. When you were born, you find comfort in skin-to-skin with mummy; you find comfort when being nursed and cradled; you can't sleep without smelling mummy at night; as you get older, you want mummy to hold your hands as you explore the world still quite foreign to you; then you enter schools, you might cry a little when your mummy wave you goodbye and run into mummy's arms when she comes to pick you after school. Then it's time for you to leave for your college or university. Now it's mummy's turn to cry (actually ever since being a mum, I cried one too many times when I brought Hannah home, when I sent her to nursery while I went to work). Then you would meet your lifetime partner and build a family of your own. Then you would have your own kids become a Mother yourself (I am talking in the shoes of my daughter here). Time flies super fast that sometimes, you wish you could just hold on a little longer.

I had wished I would have been a lil more obedient and respect my parents a little more when I was young. However, I cannot turn back the time now. I am always not the mushy cuddly and expressive type of person when it comes to showing family my love and concern as I was brought up in the generation where openly showing affections was not necessary the norm. I know I was loved even though words were not utter openly.

These Mother's Day and Father's Day, I will not be home. But I know that my heart is full and that I realised more than ever now that Parents' Day is not just one day, it is everyday that I am grateful for who I am today because of my Mother and Papa. 

Mummy & Papa, thank you for bringing me up and giving me the best life I could ever wished for. I am sending my love across to my mummy and papa and hope that you will stay healthy and cheerful. I promise I will be home at every chance I could. Soon.

A New Life Begins

It took me quite a while (if you consider 3 months + is a while) to begin to write my first entry to this blog. To be honest, I wrote the title of this entry 3 months ahead but I just couldn't get myself to write anything then...That's because, a new life has begun.

Now our lives revolve around her. I have always wanted to be a mother. When me and my sister and cousin sister were young, we used to have these baby dolls (about 11" long) that we would dress them up, give them milk and sing them a lil song just like we would do to babies. I wonder whether these are woman's instincts or because subconsciously, we remembered how our mothers did that to us. Otherwise, how else would we know how to cradle a baby doll at tender age?! Anyway, my point is, I have always wanted to be a MOTHER.

When it happened. When my ClearBlue turned out "+", I almost cried in the bathroom, nearly but did not. I was immediately worry on what I should do and what I shouldn't do. And naturally, I started to worry too because days before, I bought myself a super combo ice blended pineapple + orange juice! - I was trying to tell myself to chill and to not rush into things as I was eagerly trying to conceive. >.<". Obviously I was just a worry-nut because otherwise, I would not be writing this entry today, wouldn't I.

My new journey began right on the day I knew I was pregnant. Every single step I took I took with my mind on my child. What you eat, what you do, basically everything. I had a terrible head-start during my first trimester where I would threw whatever that I'd eaten and just gagged at the smell and sight of food. Boy, I thought I would never love food again. But thank god it got slightly better as the pregnancy went. At the final phase of my pregnancy, I was so heavy and I could barely walk. Every step was painful to me. Then she was born, my angel sent from God. That day, was the best and worst day of my life (I will get to this part in my later entry, with enough courage I hope).

Baby Hannah, when you were brought to our lives, I swear I was overwhelmed and I summoned whatever emotions I could summoned all at once. Pure joy, fear, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, anger...you name it. Now come to think of it, it was the hormone and baby blue talking back then.

Life has never been the same again. But to be honest, it just got a lot better :).

Next time, I will get going on my daily adventure with Hannah.